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Keeping my pain a secret...

Updated: Jun 12, 2021

As I sit writing this I am in a lot of physical pain. The kids are back in school and yet I feel utterly dreadful. It is almost like the let up has kicked off a flare of my illness, which is odd and very annoying. I was hoping to be writing a positive post as this is what I am aiming to focus on more and more but today I just cannot drag it out. My body is not happy today, I have pain almost everywhere, I feel really drained and under the weather and this flaming shoulder is really hurting today. I had plans for this week as I would have more free time but it is just not going that way at all and like most people it is frustrating me and dragging me down. I really wish I could go to bed and rest but I cannot do this and I am wishing the day away just to get to bed. This is SO not how I want to be, I try to live by the way of making every day count as much as you can, it does not have to be anything big that needs doing just the simple things that make us happy. Just to be able to see my family smile and be happy is a great day, I really do not like to see them upset or negative. I am trying to teach my kids not to make mountains out of mole hills and that chaos can be sorted in a reasonably calm manor if you just think things through first. Hey no saints live here and I am realistic that this isn't always possible but it has to be worth a try right??

When it comes to the pain I have everyday I can mostly hide it and keep a lid on things, however when a true flare is coming or is here it gets way harder to do. Having ME and Fibromyalgia is tough day to day on top of my spinal problems and arthritis I find things really hard going at times. If I had a crystal ball and would have known this was all going to happen I would have had my family younger so that I could have been more involved with their physical activities. I do what I can but usually to my detriment but hey we all do that don't we? I am really struggling today and being honest if I wasn't on Mum duty I would have given in to the pain and hid away and tried to sleep through as much of it as possible. No one understands how much pain I am in as I think I do hide it very well and over the years I have developed an impressive pain threshold. Even so like most things in life unless you are or have suffered it you cannot fully understand and that is ok as long as you can empathise and help were you can. The reason I sew items and try to sell them is so I can help support my family, I can to some extent manage this and I can do things at my own pace, helping to provide for my family helps my mental well being, losing my career sent me to a dark place that I had not been in before and at one point felt like I was not going to get out of. I still struggle with it but being a Mother has to be one of the greatest privileges I have ever had and if I can do that and do the best that I can then my life has been worth while and I will leave this place leaving behind two incredible and special human beings. If I can bring them up to respect people, the world they live in and themselves then that is a job well done.

One of my main reasons for trying to get a blog up and running is to show that even when you are thrown a curve ball that you can find something you love and make the most of your situation. Yes, it may not be fair and yes it can get us down but do not let them facts ruin the good things that could be happening. Yes, things need to be done or approached differently but you can do it. Figuring out your new niche and how to do it is the hard part, once you figure out you will fly. I feel I learn from each life experience I go through, I also have times when I think WHY am I GETTING ALL THIS BAD LUCK and yes IT REALLY DOES BOTHER ME, I struggle with this but life is short and I NEED AND DESERVE fun and good times like other people SEEM to have. The only person who can ensure this happens is me with the aid of my loved ones. Please remember too, that THINGS are NOT ALWAYS AS THEY SEEM. Never compare your life to those of others, I feel it just sets us up for disappointment and under appreciate what we do have.

Like me - my days are spent in agony that even those that live with with me have no clue about. (well they may do if they read this.. ) Things are not always as they seem....

Keeping my pain a secret..

Gentle hugs,

Tracey x

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