Sooooo today I went to the hairdressers for the first time in eight years. I was using a mobile hairdresser until two years ago, so it has only been two years since I bothered with my hair!!
Like most of us getting your hair done can make you feel a bit better and a pick me up is something I enjoy. What I do not enjoy and have not missed is that sitting in front of those HUGE mirrors.... I was shocked at how much I did not like it.
I have always had this issue and so having a mobile hairdresser come to our house was great as I didn't have to sit opposite myself for a couple of hours. Find it so uncomfortable, awkward and I end up hating every ounce of myself by the end of it, kinda takes the shine of having a nice hair cut!
I feel like I am shrinking further and further into the seat, trying to disappear, hide from everyone. When the job is done I feel like although I am really happy with what has been done I do not convey it properly as I have worn myself down, detesting every second having only myself to look at for two hours.
I was sooooo glad to be out of there, I have booked myself back in as I will have to just get on with it. After two hours of over analysing myself and thinking yuk I felt drained by the whole thing. Logical me knows this is not good for me and almost silly BUT this is something I do not think I will ever quite shift. Sadly I think being called ugly at a tender age really messes all that up for you. It is like it is superglued to your mind and nothing you try will break you free of it.
Confidence is not an easy one to master and nobody and nothing is perfect. When you have or have had a disfigurment it becomes another level to work on to gain your confidence. Sadly when your young being called names has an impact that can last a lifetime.
Like with most things in life you have good days and bad days with it.
One thing have also struggled with on and off since my face changed forever is feeling bad for feeling bad about my face when so many other people have much worse situations than me. What I realise now in my later years is that it is okay to feel how you feel about yoour issue even though it is not as bad as another person's, it is valid because you feel it. The main reason I think this happen is because it is not just the disfigurement it is the memory of how it happened and the emotions that go with it. I think this is more why you get stuck and cannot see past it even when everyone else says 'it doesn't look that bad' or 'I would not have known if you had not said'.
STILL I HATE going to a hairdressers and seeing myself that intensely for a couple if hours straight, especially since I do not generally look in mirrors an awful lot, only when I out make up on. Wearing make up to hide is another element of this, I feel protected by it, safer for it and like I blend into everything. I love when people go about their business without it and sometimes I do but not very often. It is freeing but I feel really exposed by it and the ODD time I do it that is always a day I bump into someone I know and I feel really anxious about it.
There are many reasons why we struggle with simple things like seeing ourselves in a mirror. They are all valid feelings BUT please know your not alone, nothing bad will happen to you and you ave done it and got through it before. It is just a moment in time you did not enjoy so much and had some feelings to process.
We are all beautiful and we are alive.
Love Tracey x