Well many months have passed and I have found it impossible to deal with, so we still have not spoken. It is now December and this happened in May.
Me and my family have had a rough year trying to move house and had one disaster after another so the stress of that has not helped me be in a place to cope with talking things over with my Mum. I have just not been able to cope with it and have put it off for soooo long. Then our son has asked when I am going to speak with Nan and he thinks he wants to see her now, so now is the time.
Our son has been very hurt and angry with what has happened and hasn't wanted to see her and our youngest hasn't asked after her! I wasn't completely shocked by this if I am being honest.
My Brother said he would come with me when I go and speak with her as he thinks we will kill each other if he doesn't. He is not far off the mark.....
I sent out a text and arranged to go to her house to see her and that my Brother would be coming too. I cannot explain to you how much I was dreading this chat, as I knew from old that TRUE acknowledgment would not happen, lies would continue to be told and not much would get sorted. I have tried to make it clear on some messages that had passed that this was not a kiss and make up this was a sort a civil stage out so our children can spend time with their Nan if they wish too.
Pulling up outside and that dread kicks in... then the awkwardness kicks in.... then one wrong word and the anger WILL kick in from either side.
After a few minutes of putting it off and cups of tea faff it begins. Firstly the apology came and then the discussion really begins. It didn't take long for things to go sour, I stated from the off that I was there to arrange for us to be civil enough that she can see the kids. In true narcissist style the 'oh so I don't matter?', 'I am hurt', 'what about me?', so 'your making book an appointment to see my grandchildren?' and sooooo on.
The point came that the reasons we are all hurt and angry came up and I said that the few people who know pretty much everything about me don't know how I have had her in my life and done so much for her after all of that. The shock on her face was laughable, it was the same face she pulls when this is said every time we have fell out and that gets said.... yawn!
'What do you mean the way I treated you during childhood???' My response 'really, do we have to go over this all again?' and the answer was 'yes'. My Brother chips in saying 'mum are you sure you want to be bringing up the past?' a very self assured and cocky 'yes' was the response. I was really not happy about this at all as it brings so many awful memories to the surface and it can takes days if not weeks to shake off. BUT that is what she wanted.
So I tell her AGAIN about the time that I was sitting up when they came home from the local boozer and out of nowhere comes 'you look fucking ugly with your hair scrapped back like that'!! Yes you read right. The more disturbing part about this was a few years earlier I had a bad fall on a school trip, fractured many areas on my face which needed major surgery and half my hair shaved off, my right eye was swollen over for a few years so I looked at bit 'odd' for a time and naturally being eleven years old when it happened it wasn't an easy time confidence wise.
At the time I was called many nasty names at school due to my apperance and I hated being seen basically, so to have your Mother confirm what the kids at school said was devasting. I also told her I am now forty-three and I still have major issues with confidence due to my face, yes I do blame her for majorily contributing to this. The same response came that I get every time this is brought up, 'well I don't remember that' - er that doesn't matter, in fact it is worse that you are too pissed to remember saying it.
What else??? Now this got me and I really, really struggled to get this out and that was very, very obvious. Yet again I had to explain how an uncle that lived with us abused me, I do not want to go into specifics as it is not needed. How it took me years to tell them, BUT tell them I did. Again I had to wait until they got back from the boozer, I tell them and my Dad jumps up shouting he is going to kill him, a friend of the family stopped him (Dad was drunk ) and said it should be dealt with sober basically. After some horrid chatting, I go to bed thinking, hoping that my uncle would be gone when I get up.
I stayed in my room until late morning, then I go downstairs to the sound of my parents having a laugh and a joke with my uncle, I open the door and the three of them are sat having a brew and chatting......
I quickly go back upstairs completely confused, do they not care? Needless to say he remained in the house and at the age of sixteen I packed a bin bag and left home whilst my parents drank themselves silly at the boozer. Again, 'like no memory of this conversation ever happened before' Then a new reply came! 'I do remember that night, me and your Dad discussed it when you went to bed, I wanted to kick him out but your Dad said 'but he is my Brother'... Well wtaf! I said 'that is BULLSHIT,' how can he have gone from killing him to he can stay in the same conversation, that also implies that he didn't give a shit about me.
I reacted very badly to this as you would expect. She is shouting it is the truth, baring in mind not much truth every comes out of this mouth. Anything to save her own skin. My Dad passed away a little over two years ago, so throw him under the bus to make herself look better. I said that it was BS and does not explain why you were all sat chatting and laughing the next morning. Basically they were pissed again and forgot by the next morning.... My Dad was such an easy going man, not perfect by any stretch and when this was brought up to him years later he hung his head down and said to me ' I am sorry that I was too pissed to remember' - SO all what she has just said as I know is BS and hurts me so much that to save herself she would make something up that would imply my Dad didn't really care about me, nevermind tainting his memory. Also just to point out she is currently using 'Deep Grief' as an excuse for her behaviours mostly! Yes, really.
Not much was said after this as it was so heated, so we left and I said I will sort her seeing the kids soon. Another note, on this day I said 'do you have anything else you want to say or ask before I go?' 'No' - wow so I said 'the kids are doing well if your interested'....... Then came give me a couple of weeks and then I will see about seeing them... couple of weeks for what?!
Christmas came and went, I had messaged that I would get the kids down ASAP, and let her know. I get this message a week later 'Hi Hun, I know you are busy, but what is the odds of you bringing the kids down for presents. It's breaking my heart to not see them. Could you please just grant me this one thing, I love you all to bits, and missing you all too. Please try hun, if not for me , for the kids.'
WTAF. For the kids, like I am not putting my kids first, making it sound like I am not letting her see them! The whole time we didn't speak I said I wouldn't stop her seeing them, she just didn't ask!
My reply was 'I said I would asap, they were out last weekend. Will sort something and ket you know.' The only reason I am in contact with her is because of my kids.
This Saturday we are going, I need to get it out of the way. Yes, I am dreading it BUT I can cope with a couple of hours and we are all going so I won't be alone.
There is WAY more to all of this as I am sure you can imagine BUT for now this is it x
Thanks for reading.
Tracey x