Where do I begin with this one?
So I have a brother and we only have our Mother left as we lost Dad in July 2020. Over the past few months our Mother has been complaining of lots of new health problems, which she is getting investigated by her GP, as with many people right now there is a wait due to the back logs and staff problems in the NHS.
Literally every time we see her she is complaining of falling over, not able to bath, prepare food, dropping everything, got tremors in her hands and basically miserable too.
My brother and I are both unable to care for her or put her up in our homes and when we have spoken to friends about her they have told us about their relatives who live in residential places. So you have your own place but you have adaptions, people to check on you and lots of people to socialise with and how happy they are to be there.
We have both mentioned this to her in person a few times and last week on the phone she was crying and complaining again about it all and I said 'Go to A and E if the pain gets too much' she told me her GP has said not to do that as they would bung her on an alcoholism ward!? I was then told she had an appointment with her GP in a few days so I said 'You will have to be more stern with him and tell him how bad you feel'.
After more crying and upset I said 'Would you not consider one of those residential places?' A sharp agressive 'NO' came so I said 'But you would have people there, more care and adaptions'. Another sharp 'NO' followed by ' I fucking knew it, you and your brother have been talking about it' a few F bombs shouted at me later I simply said 'Mum, I am not having this'. The phone hung up!
I naturally called my brother to let him know what had happened and to expect she is mad with him too. Both of us are baffled by her reaction because like I said we have spoken to her about it before and we haven't discussed it or really looked into it properly, we are not even sure she could even of she wanted too, we have no clue about any of it.
Around 6:30pm that night I get a horrible message from her.
'I have thought and thought about this, so here goes. I want my insurance papers, car papers, house keys and car back. Don't argue with me, you have had your way over the car, didn't enter your head to help me get to appointments, you use it as your own family car, and not paid me a penny for it. So now I can get my money back, as I need it. Just post the keys and papers through the door.'
My mum gets a motability car and me and my fiance are her drivers on it. Been doing it for years and we have only not paid money for it during last contract because her and my dad insisited on it and when that needed to change they would tell me (I have also asked regulary do you want to change it or send it back, especially during covid) About 3.5 weeks before she sent this we sat and discussed new arrangements for paying for it, which if she had come down (gets picked up BTW) the week before she would have got her money. The appointments she is reffering to are ones she has had over last month or so to her GP which is not that far from where she lives and they are usually first thing or mid afternoon (school pick up and drop off times) I have taken her to appointments, shopping and all sorts for bloody years!. Oh and I had major spinal surgery in Aug 2020 and was unable to drive for a long time and even now I cannot do much due to the pain.....
So the message was not only vile it was untrue (as always) and she spared no second thought to her two very young grandchildren and the impact on them her no longer wanting anything to do with any of us.
Two days later my brother contacted her and within 2-3 minutes she has cut him off too. When asked 'So you want to be alone?' her response was 'YES, I have been anyway since Dad died.'
WOW, indicating we have just left her to it - this is also untrue, extrememly untrue (as always). Bringing Dad into things was a low and very bad move for me. We both left her to it and felt totally gobsmacked by the whole thing.
Monday comes around and I meet a friend for coffee, venting about this awful weekend we just had then my phone lights up and it is Mum again.
The message reads 'When are you bringing the car back. I don't want it stuck in the airport in Manchester, I want it here so I can use it. I've got a driver lined up, so could you be nice about this and bring it back with all my paperwork. Thanks.'
Once again gobsmacked... no thought for her grandchildren, ya know like getting them to school etc.... This is also a bad, low move. Using the car as a weapon to be horrible. My friend could not believe it, utterly shocked. I forwarded the message to my brother so he knew what was happening. I just could not be dealing with it and had to go and get my children from school. My brother eneded up sending her a big message, asking what on earth she was doing, why is she cutting what little family she has left off, why do you see us talking about your care and health as nasty etc... on it went bit of back and forth.
A few hours later it was if you pay for the car you can have it, she needs to pay bills, that trying to suggest putting her in a home was low, then the oddest of all 'I hate the idea that we can't talk to each other any more, it hurts to be talked about like that, even if your only discussing it together. I hope we can sort something out about the car, and draw a line under it. My love to the kids.........
Erm the car was not the issue to start with it was a weapon to hurt and inconveinience us. Hating that we can't talk anymore, her choice and love to the kids, the very kids who she has not given a thought to during this whole thing and was happy to cut us all off for life....
Further message came 'why aren't you paying for the car, why take it away?' once again erm you have not been down to pay and YOU took the car away...
As you can imagine at this point my brain is ready to blow. One minute she needs the money, then she has a driver, which is it?
Using it as a weapon is beyond disgusting and there is no way I would allow myself to have this held over me ever again! I am a Mother and there is no way I would ever behave this way to my children, never. Just to mention too, she has money too. The lies are always a constant stream of stress for those around her, she just is not able to be truthful at all.
After all the years I have put up with her mistreatment I have finally had enough.
After we fell out a few years ago I said I will not allow you to treat me like this again and if you do it will be the LAST time you do. Well here we are. Currently she is lucky that my brother will if she allows it which he will to stay in her life. I feel bad for him as he will now be in the line of fire with her. I have had her treatment since I was around 11 years old and enough is enough.
The only contact we have had is to do with the car, we are currently trying to move which she knows about as our current house is not suitable, we are going on holiday in a few weeks (which she was meant to be coming on but she said a few weeks back she is too sick to go) we have been lumbered with her fees too and she wants the car back now! The timing is amazing isn't it...?
I have said we cannot just simly get another car the instant she decides this, so we need more time to get sorted. She replies just wanting money for it and we can keep it! WTAF I don't want it and you will be getting it back we just need some time to sort out another arrangement. Financially it is tough right this moment which she knows very well.
Also that she does not want to argue over any of this, if I could pay half that would be a big help for me. I love you all to bits and I don't like arguing over money. I hope we can find some comon ground. Love you always, big hugs for the kidsxxx.
It was not about money, the car/money became a weapon for her to use against us as she knew it would cause many problems. Saying 'I don't want to be the bad nan here' that guilt will not work on me, yes you have been a bad nan. You gave them no thought last week, happy to cut them off.
So much history and not the good kind. It is very sad that it has come to this but dealing with it constantly is affecting my health and it will just keep happening like it always has.
We can't make things what they are not x
TBC........
Tracey x