The array of emotions that come along with this one is a toughy. The guilt of wanting a break, the guilt of wishing I had some time to myself, the pain that I feel that my children may think I do not care, the worry that my partner thinks I am being a bad Mum and partner for wanting to do this.
The truth is our 9 year old son is having a very prolonged moment of being very cheeky, uncaring, hurtful and ungrateful. Our 4 year old is currently giving us big hurdles and hard times because she is looking like she is on the Autism Spectrum Disorder sides of things. As I sit here upstairs leaving them all to it, I can hear both kids in the garden playing/annoying the hell out of each other. I just want to press mute.... Does that make me bad? The fact that I cannot wait for bedtime, does this make me bad?
I have cried a lot over the last few days, mostly once my 9 year old has said something crappy to me in a crappy tone. I know he is nine and I know it is almost ridiculous that he is getting me on this state and most likely there is more going on with me. However, this is how things are right now. I AM STRUGGLING TO COPE. There I said it!
Right now I just cannot handle things, it has all got too much and the perfect timing is that they are off for their summer break to. How the hell am I going to get through six weeks and give them a half decent summer? Due to covid we are not going on holiday again this year so just some days out is all we will be doing. My daughter is currently crying her eyes out in the garden and screaming at her brother, he is pretty good with her but there are times he just provokes her and BOOM things go off!!
I NEED A BREAK! and do you know what that it completely okay!
We are all humans who need a balance in our lives in order to maintain our mental health and well being. What this is showing me is that I need to take some time for some self care, it is down to me to make this happen. I am putting my own hurdles in the way unknowlingly of course... As much as I need a break there is that niggle in my head that makes me feel like the house cannot run okay without me. The house, the children and my Fiance are more than okay without me, this is also okay. I think we are our own worst enemy most of the time. I keep saying to myself if I couldn't hear the chaos then I would be none of the wiser what is happening and would be getting on with what I was doing. Instead hearing them means I have this HUGE urge to go and fix all the chaos leaving my Fiance no chance of doing this, learning how and well making him feels useless!! YES we also must consider what impact our actions can have on others in our household...
So YES take a break, if possible where you cannot hear the chaos, well at least until you can stop yourself from running in and trying to be super woman!!
If you need to take a break and are able too PLEASE DO. I am going to practice what I preach and make a more concious effort to do this myself.
Have a great day (and breaks)
Tracey x