When you begin to feel that dark hand reaching out for you wanting to drag you back into the darkness you fight so so hard to keep away from. The worst part is when that hand is reaching out and you not expecting it! You thought I have been doing so well lately and I have everything in order and I am 'fine'.
GRAB! There you go all of a sudden everywhere is starting to go dark... that awful heavy unescapable feeling overwhelms you. You begin to feel tetchy, negative and intolerant. Like always something else not very pleasing happens and now your really deep in that darkness and tears are falling, feelings of complete hopelessness start coming over you. BANG again something else, and something else...... WHY, WHY, WHY do bad things keep happening one thing after another?
I am a good person, I try to do good by others and bad things just keep happening. WHY!!!!???? When you find yourself literally at the point were you just could not tolerate another bad thing happening but you feel so bloody awful you are just waiting for it to happen, 'because it will'.
Then the next phase, not showering everyday, teeth getting ignored, don't care at all what you look, smell like or what mood you are in. Everyone and everything is crap anyway, you feel completely alone, 'why can people not see how bad things are?'. This is the point when having our two children helps although at that point your not even sure they need you. So you go through the motions, school runs, getting clothes ready and then get back from the school run and just cry, get stressed, not see an end to this feeling and just the overwhelming urge to give up.
Not always but sometimes with the constant crying and distress you let out some emotion to someone close to you and in a very round about way say 'I AM NOT COPING, I CANNOT TAKE ANY MORE BAD NEWS OR THINGS GOING WRONG'. 'I think I need to see a Dr.' That is a good result as you can in the back of your mind realise you need help. The problem is bad when you cannot see that need, true full throttle hopelessness is so dangerous.
It can be that the outburst releases some of the tension, that and letting someone know your really not okay can be the first step back up to the light and the momentum will keep going with some very tough days ahead doing your best to get up to the full light again.
My family are my anchor to keeping going and keeping well, the fact it was coming up to both children's birthdays was what made me really pull myself up and try to get better. This was very recent and although I think I pulled it off and I don't think I ruined anything I am very much still in a dark place at the moment, I really need our next chapter in life to begin and it almost has three times in the last 6 months but each time it has gone wrong. In order for me to move on from some things and be mentally in a better place I need this step to happen, I know it will but my head needs it like four months ago!
That feeling of 'give me a fucking break for once pllleeeaase' kinda feeling. The problem with being in this what I call a limbo state in my mind is that every little issue feels HUGE to me and my ability to deal with anything gets harder and harder. I hate this numb feeling, this zombie state, this don't really care feeling, ah fuck it all feeling is not how I want to feel.
I wanted to write this because the reason I have this site, the instagram and facebook accounts for KMHS is to get awareness out there and hopefully help others. Also that the reality is even though I try to help others and promote positive thinking etc.... I too just cannot do this sometimes due to my own poor mental health.
During my life I have felt suicidal many times and like most made attempts not to be here anymore. It is not a place I want to revisit and thankfully for me, being a Mother is soooo bloody important to me and more so that I can give my children a childhood that will evoke pure, fond and happy memories and nothing else. I want my children to enjoy the innocence of childhood and feel strong and confident going into adulthood. Yes they will have bad days as that is life but just not VERY BAD days and I will be pleased. They are my world and I am so blessed to have them, they are both beautiful people who will never know just how much we adore and love them. The darkness cannot fully pull me in now I have these two amazing people, me and Chris have both suffered too many bad things, different things but bad. For both of us our children are what makes us and keeps us right next to them where we should be.
Whatever or whoever helps you to keep holding on make sure you grab on when you need too.
I have much work to do right now and honestly everyday I just keep thinking hopefully today will be the day that we get that turnaround and it has become a bit obssessive BUT it will come I just have to hang in there.
Please never think you are alone - PLEASE reach out for help. We are all worth it and like before we will get through it.
Lots of Love
Tracey x