About five weeks ago I went to the rheaumatology clinic to be checked out and have some tests. I finally got a call back today and to say I feel stunned is putting it mildly.
Diagnosis time again...
My new additions are:
Hip impingement.
Still no full answer of my arm - going to try more injections and a bit of physio before referring me to the orthopaedic surgeon!
I have osteoarthritis in my hands.
Seriously what more is going to happen! Thankfully I live in the UK and we have the fabulous NHS!! Really dread to think what would happen if I did not....
Thank you once again NHS.
When I first got off the phone I relayed the information very matter of fact, then I thought what is hip impingement exactly, you know when your sorry you looked. Does not sound like it will end to well and likley require intervention in the future, more operations and pain. My hands really get sore and cause me problems and I have been told to take care of them as much as I can as I am young to have this and resort to the injections when the joints get quite bad. My arm worries me as it just seems to be getting worse all the time, I can hardly wear any of my tops as I cannot get them on due to the amount of pain I am in.
Now I have had a couple of hours to digest it a bit, I am just trying to stop myself crying. Not sure how much more I can take. I mean I had come to accept that I would never be pain free for the rest of my life but I didn't think about my pain getting a lot worse. I am feeling so down beat but I am trying my best to not let it drag me into a dark place and consume the good progress I have made. We will see how I get on with it but I WILL NOT let this ruin my plans. I may have a few days of deep thinking and yes I will say it, be p***ed off for a bit. I will allow myself that, it is only natural to feel fed up with it all. Now whilst I write this my fiance who has just been in the garden doing some DIY has just come in and said 'have they had their tea', 'NO', I wasn't aware I was meant to be doing it and also did not see it was almost six o clock. Face like a slapped arse on him and I know he is thinking but I have just been doing the DIY. I get that but just say whilst I am out there can you throw their tea on, or maybe see that I am a little fed up and maybe just not thinking as I am trying to absorb more painful torment my future holds and what impact that it will have on us all.
NOW I FEEL GUILTY - I HATE MYSELF FOR FEELING THIS WAY AS I KNOW I SHOULD NOT!
I need to take some of my own advice now and chill, think it through, is it worth a fall out? do I lose it like I feel like I might? The feelings of nobody being able to understand flooding my upset brain. Whizzing thoughts, defensive thoughts, try being me thoughts, spend a day in my pain thoughts, if you were me you would handle this so much worse thoughts...
I hate what chronic illness and pain do to people, I resent it but I will not let it win. I just need a moment, I wish I could just go to bed now and finish this day and now my 4 year old is giving me hell and banging my sore arm because I will not let her 'play' in my glass of tonic water!!! Suddenly feeling like I cannot cope, want to escape, need some time alone. BUT I cannot do it, so I need to stop thinking that way and try and get throught the next hour and a half until I can escape.
Applied for a course yesterday and today BAM further blows but I am still bloody well doing it. My plan is get through this last part of the night, go to bed and try and do some relaxation and try and get my head in a better place. Knowing me I will have a wee cry first and let out some tension and then try to calm myself down.
Tomorrow is a new day and a new chance xx