The grieving stage of your children growing up!! GULP, GULP!
So I am writing this and it has only just happened, so it is being typed with blurry vision. I know there is always one parent who is like good cop and one who is bad cop but still being bad cop isn't great for the mind.
Yes, I am the stay at home parent so therefore I am generally the one who hands out the discipline but I am also the one who sorts out the parties, gifts, ideas for doing different things or days out etc... I am also the one with more patience and will protect them with my life. So when good cop gets all the 'oh your great, you let me do anything I like when Mum is out' and so on, it does boils ones piss at times.
So my son has recently turned 9 and has said things lately which have not made me feel to great, before you say it I know he is only 9 and he doesn't realise or mean it etc.. BUT comment after comment and then when Dad messes up he tells me I am mean, well consider piss boiled twice!!! I feel like crap and wonder what is it I am doing so wrong as I am really trying to give him the best childhood possible..
Back to today, it is a bank holiday weekend and we told him last weekend that he would not spend a night with his Nan this Friday as we wanted to spend some time as a family and go on a day out. All week nothing, until this morning he asked about going to his nans. I reminded him that it was bank holiday weekend so he was staying with us, the face on him told me he was not best pleased. Two days ago he asked me for a diary, I gave him a diary I had bought him over a year ago and on he went. I have seen that he has been drawing in it, he took it in the car with him today and on the way back we went to get them some dinner from a fast food place as an end of the week treat, the wait was epic so me and his sister stayed in the car whilst he went in with his Grandad. He told me to keep hold of his book until he got back, I started looking in it and indeed there were some boss pictures he had drawn, along with some writing. Todays entry was how he felt it was unfair that he could not go to his nans as he wanted to get away from the chaos, although a bit saddened as I really thought he would want a day out with us as it has been over a year since we did anything I thought we should let him have a break from 'the chaos' if he feels he needs it. I also saw how dad is fun to be with, nothing good about me in it at all.
After this as the afternoon wore on, he made it clear one night was not enough and now he is staying two nights.... So defo no family day out... SO once again I thought ok let him. I also felt bad looking at his diary as I did not think he would be writing like this in it, so I won't be doing that again.
Now dad has finished work for the day and straight away he cannot get away fast enough. He comes over to me and his sister hugs his sister, tells her he will miss her, gives her a kiss and beeps her nose. Then he gives me a couple of orders to get things for him and leaves.
Well to say I was gutted is an understatment, am I really that bad, nothing to miss, so forgetable. This is hard as I pretty much spend a lot of my day trying to think of things that can enrich their lives and put smiles on their faces. I feel, in fact I know, I am a good mum so I am at a loss as to what it is that is causing this. Any ideas anyone I am all ears...
Dad knocked on the door as he forgot something, I told him what had just happened and I said do not say anything to him. Next minute there is a knock at the door so I know he had, speak to him later about that, hahahaha. He just said 'goodbye then' and leaned into me a bit. I locked the door and the tears came and now I am sat here writing this.
SO to take my own advice, I need to take myself off, calm down and think about this sensibly. If I go with how I am feeling right now no good will come of it.
I want to be honest on this blog, as I feel it shows the process we often go through and how to get through it. I am not silly I know he loves me and it does sound childish to an extent, but this is not about him not saying goodbye per say, it is another stage of childhood gone, the young boy who would love to be around me, hug me and miss me has gone. So I need to grieve that stage and start to embrace the next stage of his childhood. I will add to this blog after a short time and see how I processed it and dealt with it.
Thanks for listening
Tracey x